The Onion is awesome

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be:

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

Oh, and it only gets better.

@TheOnion: "Newly Discovered Recordings Reveal Beatles Actually Terrible Group"

From The Onion:

This unfortunate find has forced music historians to completely reassess the talents of John, Paul, George, and Ringo," said Beatles scholar Mark Lewisohn, who has dated the tapes to early 1968.

What the "beer summit" could have been...

From the always-great (even if I don't get it about 32 percent of the time) XKCD:



Click for full size.

Sarah Palin's speech as interpreted by William Shatner

Shatner is a god. Yeah, I said it.

@TheOnion bought by the Chinese

This week, The Onion has been sold to the Chinese. Or so goes the joke.

I'm not sure if it's funny yet, though I did get a chuckle from today's front page story, Yao Ming!:

EARTH--The entire world population confirmed Friday that Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is the greatest athlete in the history of sports and a glowing symbol of what hardworking citizens may become if they remain loyal to their government.

Yao Ming officially averages 84 points per basketball game and has a shooting percentage of .9999998, Chinese basketball officials said. Furthermore, Yao Ming is perfectly healthy and, in fact, cannot be injured. Yao Ming is also a universally acknowledged beacon of humility and respect, and on the exceedingly rare occasion when he does miss a shot, he no doubt does so on purpose, selflessly ensuring that his lesser American teammates feel better about their own lackluster shooting percentages.

Craig Ferguson's tribute to Apollo 11

A promo for tonight's Craig Ferguson shows Ferguson saying that his show is closer to PeeWee's Playhouse than a late night TV show. I'm not sure what Ferguson's show is close to -- especially the first half -- but it is undeniably funny. And he proved it again with this musical segment from last night.

Ignore the Paris Hilton thing, but this is great.

Best Line of the Day

All apologies to Ken...

It’s hard to believe some of these rock formations are almost 6000 years old!

Bad Astronmer Phill Plait making fun of those who believe the earth is only 6,000 years old.

Cyclist accused of being racist: I'm just an asshole!

At least this professional cyclist acknowledges that he is an asshole unlike so many of his kind:

"I love to come here (France) and I love to come here and race. For sure I'm going to get arsey at some lad - because I'm an asshole," said Cavendish.

"But their nationality, and what they look like or where they come from is irrelevant."

He was responding to charges that he was racist against French people. I may be wrong, but I think that's just being xenophobic not racist.

Alanis Morisette covering "My Humps"

I'm not sure if there is any introduction needed....

Important notice to all politicians (re: Michael Jackson funeral)

Hilarious from musings:

In anticipation of the 'round the clock coverage of Michael Jackson's funeral tomorrow and the toxicology report due to be released on Thursday, if you have (1) an affair you'd like to admit to, (2) an addiction you feel should be revealed, (3) federal or state taxes you have not paid...

Go there to see 4, 5, 6, 7.

And is it kind of sad that in eight years people might be asking, "Do you remember where you were when you heard Michael Jackson died?" just like people now ask "Where were you when you heard about 9/11?"

And some of these people will completely mean it. As for me, I'm having a hard time remembering where I was and it wasn't even a month ago. It only feels like a year since he passed away.

Stephen Colbert is more patriotic than you

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Exclusive - A Megamerican Tribute to America
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Jeff Goldblum

Jon Stewart to Mark Sanford: "God killed Michael Jackson to save your ass!"

Will the Mark Sanford thing ever go away?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Shut Up, Mark Sanford
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Terrell Owens apologizes

Awesome. From Tosh.0.

Tosh.0	Thurs, 10pm / 9c
Terrell Owens Apologizes
www.comedycentral.com
Daniel Tosh Miss Teen South Carolina Demi Moore Picture

Obamtourage

From Landline.TV:

Mayne Street Auto Tune edition

I wish these webisodes were a little longer. But this one has some autotune action going on, so it's all good.

From ESPN, Mayne Street:

Steve Martin does 'Billie Jean'

Via The New Yorker:

As a dancer, Michael Jackson was great. He was like Fred Astaire. This video, a parody of the “Billie Jean” video, was done for “The New Show,” which was a prime-time NBC program that Lorne Michaels did in 1983-1984, when he wasn’t producing “Saturday Night Live.” This was the opening—it was the first piece on the first episode of the show.

My dad loves telling me a story about a time I saw Jackson do the moonwalk on TV. He says my eyes got really big, I stood up, attempted the moonwalk, then sat down.

Didn't say a word, I just tried to moonwalk. I must have been six or seven at the time. But I'm sure that the first time everyone saw Jackson do the moonwalk, they all did the same thing -- stood up and tried it. And, utterly failing, sat down in shame.

Harold Ramis interviewed in GQ

Here is a very, very interesting interview of Harold Ramis in GQ. The only problem is that they don't have a single page option so you have to click "next" over the 11 pages of the interview. But it's worth it.

Here's a taste:

It seems like you’re the only one who didn’t end up on Saturday Night Live.
Lorne [Michaels] offered me a job, but at that point I was the head writer on SCTV. SNL was completely fueled by cocaine; the show was being written literally overnight. I didn’t want to stay up all night writing. And the show had a veneer of New York sophistication—very snide and superior. I thought, It’s just not me. Besides, we were already working on Animal House.

@TheOnion remembers Michael Jackson

The Onion has a section on all things the King of Pop.

My favorite?

This story: "New Rap Song Samples 'Billie Jean' In Its Entirety, Adds Nothing.

I'm actually surprised that The Onion didn't write more about the King of Pop.

Sanford was just "recharging after the stimulus battle"

Woot.com, in addition to having some killer deals, also has a sense of humor. And they are showing it with their new thread on their forums, Beyond “Hiking The Appalachian Trail” 10 Euphemisms The Sanford Affair.

You can even suggest your own!

Like:

Enjoying a special Fathers Day

Or

Laying a new Intercontinental Pipeline.

Oh, and Talking Points Memo has a Sex Scandal Flow Chart that is definitely worth a look.

@TheOnion: Twitter Creator On Iran: 'I Never Intended For Twitter To Be Useful'

America's Finest News Source:

"Twitter was intended to be a way for vacant, self-absorbed egotists to share their most banal and idiotic thoughts with anyone pathetic enough to read them," said a visibly confused Dorsey, claiming that Twitter is at its most powerful when it makes an already attention-starved populace even more needy for constant affirmation.

I love Twitter. Hell, you probably got here from Twitter.